Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Ban Ancient History!

Dear Internet Diary,

While American families bravely fight the Holy War against biology by misrepresenting evolution and putting warning stickers in textbooks, they are ignoring an evil atheistic threat lurking in the shadows: Ancient World History.

There are many "theories " about the date of Noah's Flood. Scientifically, these pseudo-theologians take the biblical passage that says Noah was 600 years old--and who isn't--and count backwards through the begats. A fascinating discipline. Using that mathematical expertise, the date of the flood has been placed on either 1628 BC, or somewhere between 1500 and 1320 BC. Everything you need to know is in the Good Book, folks!

All these Mediterranean cultures would have been wiped out: the Arzawans, the Hittites, Cyprus, Ugarit, Mitanni, the Hapiru, and Egypt. We know these cultures were thriving and growing from 1650 to 1200. Could eight people rebuild all these Empires by themselves, when they were clearly not getting along, drinking, running around naked and cursing one another? Which one of the Noah family figured out how to make bronze? Where did Ramses III come from? Which of the sons went to England, became a Druid, and built Stonehenge? And which son went up to China to pretend he was the leader of the Shang Dynasty? I don't see in the bible where it tells us that.

So, Christians, here is a sticker you can use to warn children of the satanic influence on history books:

This book teaches the theory of
the Egyptian Empire. Because
the Great Flood would have
wiped out all life at that time,
this culture could not have existed.
Because of this contradiction,
this material should be approached
with an open mind, studied carefully
and critically considered.

Oh. Did I say history books? I meant the bible. Sorry about that.

Thanks for listening, diary.

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