First is Best

Dear Internet Diary,

The Ninth Commandment:

The first of the first fruits of thy ground thou shalt bring unto the house of the Lord thy God.

I'm not sure why God doesn't group his commandments in like categories. The ninth commandment is so much like the fourth. It would have been easier to remember that way.

Sacrificing stuff is a big deal in the bible, and so is "first." Firstborn son, Adam, first fruits, first love, first pubic hairs. But in reality, which is a big challenge for Christians, first stuff is rarely the best. There's a lot of anticipation, but when it comes down to it, the first never measures up to what you think it was going to be. Like your first homemade apple pie, your first lover, or your first child. That's probably why some people have so many children. They screwed up the first one, so they have another go at it. Like Adam and Eve, as the feminists say.

God still could have demanded the best of the harvest, or the child with the best hair, or something. Silly God.

The New and Improved Commandement:

Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.

This commandment, like "thou shalt not kill," remains the same in all the assorted versions of the Big Ten. Apparently though, it's much too complicated for Christians. That's why you will hear, from Christian Youth Pastors, Easter-Sunday drop-ins, and professional apologists alike, that the commandment says "Thou Shalt Not Lie." Which is deliciously ironic, for the professional apologists, don't you think?

But thanks for listening, diary.