Monday, May 02, 2005

The Uncyclopedia's Ten Commandments

Check out this version of The Ten Commandments:

The Secular-Legalist's Ten Commandments (in modern English)

  • 1. You shall have no other gods. That means you must not worship other gods, but you are allowed to worship what they stand for, for example money, power, and so on.
  • 2. You shall not practice idolatry and worship idols or images, unless we the Church grants the particular graven image immunity. Yeah, God is a jealous God but he won't notice it if the whole church is doing it, particularly if it's done in his name. Buy our laminated pocket portrait of Jesus while you're at it.
  • 3. You shall not take the Lord God's name in vain, unless you use it to spite infidels and heathens or unless the word is in the same sentence as "freedom", "democracy", "-given right", "bomb" or "morals".
  • 4. Remember the Sabbath Day: you must work to the death on that day like any other or we the Church shall call you a lazy bum.
  • 5. Honour your parents, and tell them to give plenty of money to the local priest, minister, or pastor to honour them. God will bless you for doing this. If not, then God is testing your faith. Show your faith! Keep sending in the money!
  • 6. You may kill, but not murder, gay men, infidels, and barbarian heathens. Just say the Holy Spirit made you do it and you'll be fine.
  • 7. You shall not commit adultery, unless you are a priest, minister, or pastor, in which case God forgives. Amen.
  • 8. You shall not steal, except from the congregation or hoi polloi. You are also allowed to sell crap and steal from the religious masses in the church, if we the Church sees it fit.
  • 9. You shall not bear false witness, unless in the name of the Church or the politician the Church endorses. Or if you claim the Holy Spirit told you not to and that you interpreted the vision wrong. God forgives, brethren and sisters.
  • 10. You shall not covet what other people have. That's you, stupid, lazy welfare-leeches. Don't even look at my yacht -- it's my God-given property -- and none of my tax money will go to you via the sinful communist government agencies. Hi, I'm Tom DeLay.
  • The Ascetic-Legalist's Addendum

    • 1. You shall not be gay, nor shall you endorse the quality of being gay. This refers to both homosexuality and happiness. Suffer, and be miserable, and you will feel like you are living a righteous life, regardless of whether you actually are.

3 comments:

breakerslion said...

Nice list. How about, "is on our side" for #3?

kalanchoe542 said...

8. You shall not steal, except from the congregation or hoi polloi. You are also allowed to sell crap and steal from the religious masses in the church, if we the Church sees it fit.

I'm waiting to see them come out with statues of the Pope doing the Watusi with Elvis, myself.......

Hellbound Alleee said...

Why not? They have pope cd's, commemorative plates, and plastic "high class quartz" wall clocks of the pope. Birthday party napkins. If they can have Jesus playing hockey, they can have a shared painting of Elvis and the pope. It could happen, even if the christians that generally love elvis are generally anti-catholic protestants. To speak generally, of course.