Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Jingle Bullies

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The Holidays are coming. Watch out for the Christmas Mafia.

There are fourteen billion religious holidays that are celebrated between, well, Thanksgiving and Easter. Chanukkah, Kwanzaa, Christmas, Saturnalia, Winter Solstice, New Year's, Ramadan, Eid al-Adha, Mardi Gras, and so on. But many Christians feel that if any of these are recognized, they are being oppressed.

Christmas, a secular holiday since the beginning of holidays, is the biggest Christian excuse for bitching since Daniel in the lion's den. The phrase "Merry Christmas" this year will be used like a weapon by these folks.

"Merry Christmas, you hellbound secularist, you who wants to take away my own personal chunk of the calendar! Please notice that I proudly say 'Christmas,' daring you hippies to try and oppress me! Go on, try it! Jesus told me being a Christian was hard, and I am ready to impress him with my ability to take such onslaughts."

Walmart started to wish everyone a Happy Holiday. Walmart (as Christian as a giant warehouse store can get) is actually there to make money. Foreign concept, I suppose. Walmart knows that there are people that spend money that do not celebrate Christmas. The Jingle Bullies have announced that "Walmart is Canceling Christmas!" That's the biggest overreacton since Mink Stole's breakdown in Desperate Living:
Hello? What number are you calling? You've dialed the wrong number! Sorry? What good is sorry? How can you possibly repay the last few seconds you have stolen from my life? I HATE YOU ! Your husband, your children, ALL YOUR RELATIVES !!!

Santa is crying in his grave. Why do you want to make Santa cry?

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