Thursday, March 23, 2006
A Civil Discussion
Have a seat. Would you like some coffee, tea?
I asked you here today to discuss the fact that you deserve to be beaten, tortured, and humiliated. Your thoughts are crimes worthy of sexual humiliation and agonizing pain, for as long as the torturers can keep it up.
In fact, it's not just your thoughts. It's what your ancestors thought. Don't blame me; that's just how it is.
It's not my fault, you see, because, by thinking those thoughts, you have chosen to be branded with hot metal and repeatedly, brutally sodomized. You have said, through your thoughts and actions, that you want to be chained down on a splintery rack, stretched, and shat upon by rabid livestock, while buzzards peck out your eyes. You said, "hey, mister. Would you mind putting me in an episode of twilight zone, where I slowly go into a psychological horror, despair and despondency, never to receive comfort from another human being? That would be great." Hey--that was you talking. Not me.
But you can take it all back. You can escape from your shame. All you have to do is to agree with me, and your unforgiveable thought-crimes will be erased. Admit that your thoughts are vile, and that you are vile, and that you deserve to sit in a hot tub full of feces and vomit, and handed a large spoon, and you will escape the fate of someone peeling your skin off and forcing you into an iodone and lime juice shower.
But the best part of all this, is if you admit you deserve to slide down a giant razor blade into a pond full of pirhana and Amazon Urethra fish, you will be able to hang out with me. Isn't that great? What good news that is!
Now, aren't you glad we could have this talk? If more people realized that people as different as we can have a civil exchange of ideas, we wouldn't be having these problems. I just wish that the other people, the ones like you, weren't so unreasonably hostile.
Thanks for listening.