Friday, May 20, 2005

Bullshit is an Energy

Dear Internet Diary,

Faith lies at the heart of all that we have in Christ and from Christ and through Christ. It is the very energy of God in us through the presence of His Holy Spirit.

A ghost is an energy... and a consciousness obviously of somebody who had once lived.

Jesus is an energy presence in your life. If you allow him to cleanse you when the dirt is taken out his energizing spiritual power explodes inside of you and you shall be like a fountain of living water.

Psychic energy is an all pervasive energy or force (hence George Lucas' 'force' in Star Wars) that modern science has failed to discover and thus chosen to take a negative, skeptical stance upon it's existence.

You know what? The next time I hear the word "energy" used in that way, "it's like an energy," or some "mysterious energy force," I'm going to have to kill. Hellbound Smash! Hellbound Crash!

I have been watching Penn & Teller's Bullshit! all week, and I guarantee you that in each topic, from Creationism to Bottled water to environmental bullshit, someone pulled the word "energy" out of their ass to bullshit their way through an "explanation." If any one of these people knew what energy actually were, they were thinking of energy, or electricity, in the way Patent Medicine hawkers thought of it in the turn of the century, when public utilities wwas finding its way through the cities. For a lot of those folks, electricity was a miracle, so it seemed reasonable to think that electricity could do anything. So now here we are, it's 2005, and these dumbasses are thinking the same way. They can't prove anything, so they spit QI all over everything in the hopes that they will sound sciency and can get away with it. Whatever it is they are trying to sell you, "it's an energy." And since they believe it in China, it must be true, right? Tell that to the people who were imprisoned in the work camps.

Energy is simply the ability to do work, or what's necessary to do work. And it can be measured. It is not intangible. It is not that quelque chose they want it to be. If you mean je ne sais quois, then say it. If someone wants to say something is "an energy," pin them down! Is it
  • Light?
  • Kinetic?
  • Gravitational Potential Energy?
  • Sound Waves?
  • Electrical?
  • Chemical?
  • Heat?
  • Elastic?

Unfortunately, the more clever of the bunch will take your information and just use it to sound more sciencey. Of course, they must know that all energy requires a source. Where does the ghost or the qi get its energy? How is it used? Where does it go? Does the sourse equal the output? For instance, we know where humans get their energy, and we know how its used. We know how it's stored. Maybe some of these feng shui experts can tell me how to convert my extra pounds into qi. That sounds profitable.

I'm warning people here: the word "energy" is now entered into my Hokumeter, so don't go trying to use my lack of finesse in physics to prove your poo. It might expose the fact that you know even less about "energy" than I do. And that would just be embarrassing for you.

Thanks for listening, diary.


breakerslion said...

Transcendental Foods, makers of Serene Wrap and Cotton Ghandi, brings you the Goofi Sufi! But first, a word from our sponsor.

John Cameron Fung-shuizee here, and we just painted this Chronex watch yellow to prove a point: Everything is somehow better when it’s yellow! My clothes are yellow! My car is yellow! My house looks like a melting stick of butter – inside and out! Painting things yellow and rearranging the furniture makes me forget what’s bothering me and makes sure I don’t have time to deal with it! Next week, I’m painting my wife yellow and strapping her to the hood of a NASCAR pro-stocker. Let’s see how we did, and yes! The Chronex watch is still yellow! Remember, life’s better when you feel like you’re living inside a bucket of movie popcorn! Now, back to our show!

Goofi Sufi here. Alleee (no relation), from Anti-Kansas writes,

“Dear Goofi Sufi,

What’s all this stuff about energy? What kind is it? How come nobody can measure it? Where does it go when it’s not there? Can I use it to run my Mr. Coffee?” Is it Electrical, Chemical, Gravitational, Thermal, Animal, Vegetable, Mineral? Is it bigger than a breadbox? And what’s it called this week? Chi? Qui? Ki? Prana? Bourbon? WHAT????”

Dear Alleee,

The answer to all of your questions, except the Mr. Coffee one, is “Methane”. The energy is derived from methane gas, which can’t be measured because it’s infinite. Every time a person breaks wind, more methane is produced. This methane rises and forms a little-known layer in our atmosphere called the Fart Cloud. This is sort-of to the earth what the Oort Cloud is to the sun, only smaller and smellier. Certain people are prone to expending great amounts of neural synaptic energy in random thoughts and illogical beliefs. That energy often forms a wave pattern called Psycocalifragilistic Magnetic Synergy, or PMS. People with PMS attract methane from the Fart Cloud, and are often surrounded by this potent combustible gas. So you see, often when you think someone is full of shit, it’s just the aroma from the Fart Cloud you’re detecting! I hope this becomes a life-affirming experience for you. Every time someone mentions Chi, just think, “methane”. Oh, and the answer to your Mr. Coffee question is, sadly no, but we’re working on it.

That’s all the time we have for today, so thanks for alternately being and not being there, and thank Turtle for holding up the world!


If you don't laugh, you cry.

kalanchoe542 said...

Holy shit, Batman! Give this man MORE drugs.....

Aaron Kinney said...

I love Penn and Tellers Bullshit. Awesome show!