Christian S&M Porn?

Dear Internet Diary,

I have a confession to make.

I collect Christian sado-masochistic porn. I have about 60 titles. Sick, disgusting ones, like The Beast, Bad Bob, Big Daddy, Dark Dungeons, Scream, Sin City, and, ugh, "Squatters." They all tell stories of people who experience pain, submission, and release. You might have heard of them. They're called "Chick Tracts."

I do actually enjoy them. They're funny. But if you order the big variety pack from Chick.com, don't read them all in one sitting.

If you don't already know what a Chick Tract is, I'm rather surprosed. They're just everywhere. If you ever go to a public place, especially where you don't need to have a lot of money, you'll find one of these penny dreadfuls, lying there like a Whore, ready to be used. You're minding your own business, using a payphone, washing your clothes at the Lost Sock Laundry, flipping through dusty old albums at the St. Vinnie's, and you find a little comic.

Hooray! A comic! Who doesn't like comics? *Side note: That's what the Red Chinese said when they passed out those little red books. According to Chick, anyway. So, you open it up and....THE HORROR!...the horror...

Demons coming out of Host wafers! The Pope is the anti-christ! Girls on 50,000 hits of acid! Screaming professors teaching that we come from monkeys! Really, really ugly homosexuals and drag queens! A giant, glowing white Jesus tossing naked people into fire pits! Mormons! And, the sleaziest of all, crying people, kneeling before the feet of Christ, begging for His mercy, and when they accept his terms, they are naked, quivering, washed in the liquid tears of sweet, sweet release. You just don't know what that God is capable of!

When you're through reading this information, you of course are now saved. You're going to want to write a nice letter to Jack. Like this:

I FOUND a Chick tract in the restroom at school when I was in high school. I was saved from reading that tract.

Or this:

I was lost until I FOUND one of your Chick tracts on the ground in a dead-end alley.

That's because the Christians who are passing out tracts think we are living in a Dead End Kids movie. I can see it now: Tommy, Squirt, Pig and Murph are hanging out in the alley, shooting pennies, drinking cokes. They're surely headed down a slippery slope straight to POOL!

But that's the thing: Jack Chick WAS a Bowery Boy. He was doing things like parking with girls! That's why Chick prefers the Bad Bobs of the world. He's like a hairdresser: it's much more fun to change your style dramatically; it shows off your skill better.

I hope I'm not supporting this hate-literature by actually purchasing it. I think I'm redeeming myself, though. I've made five parody radio plays out of Chick tracts, and I'm working on one as we speak. These comics are so dramatic, they lend themselves well to radio plays. I pulled together a group I like to call the Glorified, Sanctified, Amplified Players. I have people all over the North American continent--and one from Great Britain--scaring their children, parents and pets with their death throes, satanic voices and screams of YAAAAAAH!

And I hope to scare you, too. To hear these monstrosities, and more, visit me at hellboundalleee.com