Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Rapping with a Far-Out Fundie, Joseph Farah

Dear Internet Diary,
This will be fun, I hope. It's from our very most number one favorite publication of The Truth, the publication that dares to say things that They....don't want you to know....it's

WorldNetDaily! *applause* (Farah is in italics, I am in bold.)

between the lines Joseph Farah
WND Exclusive Commentary
I believe in Creation

Posted: December 16, 2004
1:00 a.m. Eastern

© 2004 WorldNetDaily.com

Many people don't like it when I talk about this subject.

I'm bound to get dozens – maybe hundreds – of angry letters telling me I'm losing credibility, that I'll never be accepted into the mainstream pundit club if I keep this up, that I should lay off the religious stuff and stick to politics.

But I don't care.

You're Just Like Jesus, Joseph Farah. Do you know that? Of course you do.

Because I believe in truth. I believe in right and wrong. I believe in God. I believe in the Bible. And I believe in the biblical account of Creation.

And I believe that donkeys can talk, people can fly, and a man named Jesus lives up in the sky! Hooray!!

I tell you this because, in my opinion, Americans are becoming too timid about standing up and proclaiming the way they truly feel about this issue. And, as a result, the evolution steamroller is becoming the official religion of U.S. schools.

Americans are becoming "too timid?" That's a good one. I'm still getting ringing in my ears from all those "timid" Americans standing up and screaming that they'll be damned if little Tyler or Cassidee done come from monkeys. Why, them scien-tists up thar in Warshington, mebbee they done come from monkeys, but we ain't. I knowd it cause our family tree is straight as a arrow. Yes it 'tis.

It is now dangerous just to proclaim in a government school that evolution is a "theory."

Then how come that's all you hear from school boards and public school teachers ? This guy is a liar.

The American Civil Liberties Union is not only crushing manger scenes and burning crosses across the country,

That is the single most beautiful image I could never have come up with on my own. Picture this: 45 year-old skinny guys in pony tails with giant sledgehammers, weilding them above the holy tiny helpless fiberglass or light-up plastic baby Jesus. Then, in one mighty blow, Kurt brings down the Witch's Hammer upon the White and Precious One. Is Kurt done? Can his taste for Christian blood be sated now? No! No I tell you! ACLU Kurt will not be satisfied until he burns a cross (because it's the KKK's God-given right to do so) and hurls it at a humble live Nativity Scene. Who is that, kneeling at the manger? Why, it's his own aunt Millie! Aunt Millie! "Noooo! What have I done! My maniacal Satanic liberal crusade has cost me my family! Nooooooo!"
You see, Jesus never lets a bad deed go unpunished.

...it is also crusading to ensure evolution is the only explanation of origins permitted to be mentioned in the U.S. education system.

Well, considering that it's the only explanation we have, as Jewish Creationism is not an explanation, I don't see the problem here. But again, the man lies like a sack.

This week, for instance, the ACLU filed a lawsuit challenging a Pennsylvania school district that teaches alternatives to the theory of evolution alongside Darwinism.

(As if they are teaching more than one "alternative." Clever.) What alternatives?The "Talking Snake Theory?"

On Oct. 18, the Dover school board voted 6-3 to add the teaching of "intelligent design" to its ninth-grade biology curricula. Without identifying who the "designer" might be, the theory of intelligent design says the complexity and order of the universe and mankind suggest the action of an intelligent cause rather than random chance.

Teacher: OK, kids. The world had a "creator."
Kid: You mean Jesus, teacher?
Teacher: Well, um...uh...n..not..necessarily.

Yeah. That's right. The Christian teacher will say it "might not be Jesus." Sure.

Kid: You mean, it could be not a god?
Teacher: Well, what do you think?
Kid: It could be aliens!
Teacher: Go to the principal's office, Dylan.

There are atheists who believe in intelligent design. There are Buddhists who believe in intelligent design. There are agnostics who believe in intelligent design. And, yes, there are even some Christians and Jews who believe in intelligent design.

There are Raelians who believe in intelligent design. See? Intelligent design is for everybody, but mostly for all you alternative sinners who are going to hell to buuuuurn forever. Because good christians believe in the intelligent design of Jesus Christ. But we should all be assured that they would not dare to try and legislate that Jesusianism is the American Religion. Even though he just got through talking about how terrible it is that the ACLU is taking chainsaws and burning crosses to publicly funded Nativity Scenes. How about we have an Intelligent Design Nativity Scene that we all--atheists, agnostics, Buddhists, Jews, and yes, even "some" christians might enjoy?

You Intelligent Design advocates can get out your crayons and draw me an "Intelligent Design Creche?" The winner will get....well, I don't know, but something.

But to hear the ACLU tell it, just offering this alternative scientific theory to schoolchildren is the equivalent of proclaiming an official state church in America – a violation of the First Amendment.

That's right, Joseph Farah. Use those words "alternative scientific." They please all the heathens! "Alternative" for those damned liberal christians, and "scientific" for the Jews! Huzzah!

When people accept the theory of evolution as an article of faith and teach it as a matter of fact and permit no dissent whatsoever from their doctrine, they are the ones who are promoting religious dogma to all students.

"You see? Evolution is a religion! They are on equal footing with us, so it's against the law for the government to teach religion in school! So you see, I'm using my crafty Christian wiles to say maybe state and church aren't seperate and never should have been in the first place. Killing a few birds with one stone. Pretty awesome if you ask me."

I'm not sure which religious views they hold. They may be atheists. They may be agnostics. They may be pagans. They may be secular humanists. I don't know which particular dogma they follow. It isn't important. But rest assured they are only disguising their narrow religious views in the language of science.

Awww. Isn't that cute? "Atheist Dogma." Will he tell us just what dogma that is, just so we can check? No. It "isn't important right now." What's important is that I say that religious views are narrow to make people think that WorldNetDaily journalists are "opem-minded." Whatever that means. I especially like that last sentence. Evolutionists are disguising their narrow religious views in the language of science." Whoa! What! Oh my god...I'm spinning in a hopeless paradox, where religion is science and science is religion! Maybe, just maybe....everything I know is backwards!

And that's what is happening all over the country. There's a new wave of sweeping intolerance and rigid conformity being required of teachers and students.

Wow. This guy needs to grow his hair out and grab a fringed suede vest, because I think we have a hippy here! Could it be that the Bible doesn't teach rigid, absolute standards? Could it be that the message of the Bible is love, peace, tolerance and science? Is this guy sure he didn't grab the wrong dogma? Maybe someone switched all the Gideons in the hotels for the Humanist Manifesto, and he just didn't notice.

It seems to me when authorities are unwilling to accept any criticism of their doctrine, there is probably good reason.

Are we talkiing about the Church here, or are we talking about The Grand Poo-Bahs of Science? The ones who cannot be criticised? It's a wonder science progresses at all, what with this heirarchy! I wonder how The Grand Scientists choose their new leader? Is there white smoke involved? Knowing how godless they are, I'm sure there's some kind of smoke involved, if you know what I mean.

I've been through the indoctrination camps in high school and in college.

Yeah, me too. They make you wear white lab coats everywhere, and force you to not walk upright. I still have nightmares about my own Indoctrination Camps. The motto for mine was

"Natural Selection Macht Frei."

Evolutionists are incapable of selling their ideas in an open marketplace. Instead, they resort to Soviet-style coercion and censorship to impose their views on others.

Evolution is anti-Capitalism? I can honestly say I have never heard that one. Unfortunately he is all wet. If there is any "open marketplace" it's sexual selection! But seriously, he couldn't be more backwards if he stuck his head up his ass.

Remember, it was the communists who made a special point of teaching that God played no role in the creation of the universe and mankind. Evolution became their god, and history is repeating itself in America's classrooms today.

No. The State was their god. In an open marketplace of ideas in Russia today, we find that Christianity still doesn't sell. It's all psychics and pseudoscience.

The truth is we don't know what we don't know.

Like about Jesus, and heaven and hell, the bible, and sin?

And that's as good reason as any not to teach what we don't know as fact to kids forced to attend government schools.

And that's as good reason as any not to teach what we don't know as fact to kids "forced" to attend religious schools, church, sunday school, and, in the case of "Intelligent Design," ("golly gee, we don't got NO idea who was that there Intelly-gent dee-ziner"), Public Schools.

Why is it so vital to the new gods of scientific correctness that every schoolkid in America be taught only – I repeat, only – their theories of the universe and the origins of man?

Who are these gods again? And are the christians really going to teach children all - I repeat, all - the creation myths in science class? And evolution? I have to ask, are kids being taught evolution at all? Or are science teachers living in fear of losing their jobs. When weren't they?

Well, it's been fun. But I don't know how many more articles from WorldNetDaily I can read before my breakfast comes up. Thanks for listening, diary.



6 comments:

Aaron Kinney said...

That was hilarious! Im laughing my ass off!

Hellbound Alleee said...

You think that's funny...

Just kidding. The next blog may only be funny to Franc.

Rev. Barking Nonsequitor said...

Hmmm, I guess on my next engineering project I'll just "pray" the electronics to happen. If I believe hard enough I won't have to go through exhaustive design analysis and testing in order to make the controls appear from the heavens. OMG! I'm getting paid for the wrong thing! I don't need a job or money - the lord will make everything happen perfectly. I think I can feel a monkey....

Bliggety Blast Circle said...

Back when I was a little boy(christ, here it comes) we were taught about Greek mythology, and in the same class, we would act out "the truth" from the bible, in skits. This is exactly when I started to question and became an athiest. The questions I asked in Sunday school also got me in much trouble. All at the ripe old age of 6.

Rev. Barking Nonsequitor said...

Like Bart Simpson used to ask: "Do robots go to hell?" or " If you lose your arm, does it go to heaven first?"
priceless...

Aaron Kinney said...

LOL, if you want to see more fun about who or what does and does not get into hell or heaven, check out my Kill The Afterlife blog entry Reducibility in Life Forms and the Afterlife