Dear Internet Diary,
I have a question for believers. I don't mean churchgoers, or everyday people who give lip service to being sort of fans of the symbol of Jesus. This is for believers.
How do you masturbate?
Now, if you answer "I don't masturbate," your answer doesn't count. That's because you would be lying, and since you really believe in God, then you would be lying about masturbating in front of Jesus, who watches you pulling on your monkey, with tears in His Holy Eyes.
So how do you masturbate? How can you have sex with someone else? HOw can you concentrate enough to have an orgasm. Christian ladies, I'm talking to you. You know that for us gals, we have to shut our minds off a great deal in order to have an orgasm. But how can you do that, when Jesus is watching? Jesus is everywhere, and He is crouching down at the edge of your bed, peering directly into your crotch while you buzz away with your Walmart "foot massager," $19.99. When you say, "Oh God, oh Jesus, Oh God," he is saying, "Yes, Mary Katherine? Yes, Jennifer? Yes, LeVanya? I am here! I am listening! I am avoiding that tidal wave of Womanneed coming from between those tatooed thighs!"
What is your answer to Jesus? An emotionless mop-up with a dirty towel, or a prayer of thanksgiving? I want to know. Write me a comment, or send me your anonymous reply to email@example.com . Because I'm a dirty atheist voyeur.