Tuesday, July 05, 2005

How Do You Do It?

Dear Internet Diary,

I have a question for believers. I don't mean churchgoers, or everyday people who give lip service to being sort of fans of the symbol of Jesus. This is for believers.

How do you masturbate?

Now, if you answer "I don't masturbate," your answer doesn't count. That's because you would be lying, and since you really believe in God, then you would be lying about masturbating in front of Jesus, who watches you pulling on your monkey, with tears in His Holy Eyes.

So how do you masturbate? How can you have sex with someone else? HOw can you concentrate enough to have an orgasm. Christian ladies, I'm talking to you. You know that for us gals, we have to shut our minds off a great deal in order to have an orgasm. But how can you do that, when Jesus is watching? Jesus is everywhere, and He is crouching down at the edge of your bed, peering directly into your crotch while you buzz away with your Walmart "foot massager," $19.99. When you say, "Oh God, oh Jesus, Oh God," he is saying, "Yes, Mary Katherine? Yes, Jennifer? Yes, LeVanya? I am here! I am listening! I am avoiding that tidal wave of Womanneed coming from between those tatooed thighs!"

What is your answer to Jesus? An emotionless mop-up with a dirty towel, or a prayer of thanksgiving? I want to know. Write me a comment, or send me your anonymous reply to alleee@hellboundalleee.com . Because I'm a dirty atheist voyeur.

31 comments:

breakerslion said...

Repeat 50 times:

I will never drink coffee while reading Hellbound Alleee again.

I will never drink coffee while reading Hellbound Alleee again....

kalanchoe542 said...

I will never drink coffee while reading Hellbound Alleee again...*snarf*

breakerslion said...

Still laughing!

Venessa said...

I love you Alleee. Get your fine ass over here to NYC for some hot barely legal heterosexual girl on heterosexual girl action!

Aaron Kinney said...

LOL!!!! This reminds me of a funny story.

Once over at Christianforums.com, a nonbeliever posted a thread in the "christian advice" forum. He asked if masturbation was a sin. Some Christians got in there and told him it was and that God disapproved of it.

I then went in and posted a medical article that showed that if a man does not ejaculate regularly, it increases his chances of prostate cancer. I then asked why God wants us to get prostate cancer?

This got me in big trouble and I got warned. LOL!

Hellbound Alleee said...

`Tis true. A gal needs to pay regular attention to her pussy to keep it healthy and pink and muscular. Regular orgasms keep the good hormones going--the kinds of hormones that help you feel safe and calm. There is no danger from the Female Orgasm, regardless of what the christians might say. In fact, discussion of any orgasm is a sure way to make a christian turn red and run away. A great tool to keep anyone's front stoop Christian free!

Anonymous said...

You have a disturbed, sin-addled mind, Alleee. Apparently your quotidian Onanism has seeped its corruption into your logic circuits, my darling little Darwinian chem-bot. Sin is sin because of the wages of sin -- and the wages of masturbation are confused thinking, divorce from God, and mental, physical, and spiritual degeneration. You may be too far gone.

Let me point out your confusion. First you claim that all who claim not to masturbate are liars. Then you claim that masturbation is impossible for a Christian woman. Hereby you demonstrate the sort of paradoxical two-sided attack on Christianity described by Chesterton, the sort that undermines skepticism, not orthodoxy.

For you to claim that all women masturbate is for you to claim that not only are you an atheist (which I doubt), but also an omniscient one, which I know is impossible. I'd invite you into my life, if you like, to watch me go through my paces, to assure that never do I go and degrade myself in the way you seem to cherish.

Do I experience temptation? Of course I do. But I feel safe when I can deflect that temptation towards something holy, such as a sudden veneration of the divine attributes of our blessed Lord Jesus. I turn the onset of orgasm into a sorrowful lament on the sufferings of our dear Saviour, on the piety of His blessed Virgin Mother; or perhaps my contemplation turns to the courageous visage of the the late Pope John Paul II, or his faithful and brilliant successor, Pope Benedict XVI. What glory we have in our Church! what wonderful sufferings are there for our eternal gaze! What a ship of martyrs, saints, and wise men! I'm so proud to be Catholic, and so proud to live a life outside of sin's grasp! I hope one day you can say the same!

(By the way, lost little Alleee, I heard your vile outburst against me on your so-called radio show. But don't worry, all is forgiven. It only demonstrates what a two-faced little twinkie you are. You can enjoy your revolting "heterosexual" lesbian encounter without me.)

Hellbound Alleee said...

>>you claim that masturbation is impossible for a Christian woman.<<

I never did! I innocently asked how you, Maureen, manage to masturbate when you know that Jesus watches everything you do! So, what do you like, Maureen? Do you prefer the more quitet Wahl model, or do you need something more hardcore for your cunt, like a big black silicone dildo with pulsating action, the kind that can sand floors? I'm willing to bet you go for the latter. Fingers just can't do it for you anymore, More-Een.

>>I'd invite you into my life, if you like, to watch me go through my paces<<

Even I, Hellbound Alleee, am not kinky enough to watch the disgusting things you do, Maureen. I'm starting to think you might be more kinky than I first assumed.

>>never do I go and degrade myself<<

Then you're not a True Catholic. Why don't you want to be more like Jesus?

>>Do I experience temptation? Of course I do<<

Like right now, baby? Come on over!

>>I turn the onset of orgasm into a sorrowful lament on the sufferings of our dear Saviour, on the piety of His blessed Virgin Mother;<<

So you DO degrade yourself! I can see it now, and it isn't pretty.There you are, buzzing away on your sopping pearl, about to go over that crest, and you add something even more exciting into the midst, to help you achieve one of those hard, pounding orgasms: the thought of Jesus' suffering. Now that I think of it, it sounds pretty good--for a Sado-Masochist. You know, you could do better for yourself and imagine someone who suffered for more than a day, like a child with cancer, or Anne Frank. She suffered a lot more than Jesus, thereby allowing you greater masturbatory fantasies.

>>perhaps my contemplation turns to the courageous visage of the the late Pope John Paul II, or his faithful and brilliant successor, Pope Benedict XVI<<

So, you look at magazine pictires, or did you get yourself a couple of Pope RealDolls to hump? Honey, I can think of something a bit more attractive to look at. But if old, diseased, barely alive Fundamentalist men are your thing...you could try the local nursing home. I bet they'd be willing to help you out, to ease the monotony.

>>a two-faced little twinkie<<

My little twinkie only has one face. How many does your have? Eew. Glad you're a big fan of my show! Tell all your friends, you little pervert. I mean, you little "heterosexual" pervert. (After all, you like to fantasize about bloody, diseased and dead men.)

Now get your hand out of your panties.

Maureen said...

You like kinky stories, you little slut? Well, let me tell you one: I am a sinner. We are all sinners. Every human being throughout history has sinned -- with two exceptions (Jesus and Mary, you heathens).

The Catholic Church is the only barque of truth, the only place to go to understand man's sinful nature. Does self-abuse (euphemisms not appreciated) exist in the Catholic community? Sadly, yes. I like to think it is less of a problem than elsewhere, because at least we acknowledge it to be a mortal, soul-shattering, damnable sin. Have I ever abused myself, in the darkness of my room, as a young student, confused and lonely? That's for me to share with my priest only -- not for your voyeuristic snout to sniff at, vain hussy. I can assure you that I do not waste my time on carnal fixations, the way you do, with your Satanic tools and implements. I live a pure life, and the gross and revolting "pleasures" you pursue have no place in it. I prefer to get my kicks from the glory of the Mass, the contemplation of God's supreme majesty, and a profound admiration for the Church's moral teachings.

Sometimes, unfortunately, it becomes necessary for a Christian woman to disrobe in order to bathe, to excrete, or to procreate. Some virtuous but naive maidens have been known to take "precautions" to ensure that God and His angels are not looking upon them when this happens. This is both futile, and thankfully unnecessary. We can shield nothing from God; but our blessed Saviour is a upright God, who turns away tactfully when indiscrete acts are being comitted in the sacrament of marriage. However, when you take one of your vicious vibrators to your sacred temple (l'origine du monde!) and pleasure yourself wantonly, you can be sure that Jesus is watching, angrily, recording the revolting act, which will be displayed before everyone you know when you reach the judgement of Peter. You will be condemned before all and sent away to eternal hellfire -- unless you accept the teachings of Christ church, accept the forgiveness of his ministers, and perform acts of contrite penance.

Here is away to begin, my child. Repeat after me: Ave Maria, gratia plena, Dominus tecum, benedicta tu in mulieribus, et benedictus fructus ventris tui, Jesus. Sancta Maria, Mater Dei, ora pro nobis peccatoribus, nunc et in hora mortis nostrae. Amen.

Finally, I shall leave you with some writings of mine that touch (indirectly and discreetly) on this delicate topic:

"My point is that sin never makes anyone a better person. We don't need a resume of great sins to acknowledge the difficult and painful path of conversion. A sinful past doesn't make us more sympathetic to the plight of other sinners. What provides us with this empathy isn't the atrocity of sin. Instead, it is the grace of redemption. We are born into a world where sinlessness is an impossibility. Literally, we are born into sin with the mark of original disobedience engraved on our souls and our bodies. The simple awareness of our own complicity with sin should be enough to grant us a humble heart. The reality that it doesn't is enough to convict us.

A case in point: To the best of my knowledge, and according to all the traditions of the Church, Mary the mother of Jesus and the Queen of Angels was the only 'only-human' person that never sinned. Because she, like our first parents, was born free of original sin, she was also absolutely free to assent to or dissent from the will of God. Her path was the complete consent of total obedience. Yet significantly, Mary in her sinlessness is known as the Saint of those most in need of salvation. Her very sinlessness makes her open and receptive to the anguish of sinners. In a sense, she has no agenda of complicity in sin. She is free to see clearly the terrible damage that sin inflicts on the agent of sin as well as on his victims."

There is hope for you, Alleee, although you remain a hellbound whore in your present state.

Blessings and benedictions upon you.

(PS Don't insult our Holy Fathers of the Church unless you can demonstrate that you are in anyway less sinful than they. I didn't think so.)

(PPS Don't trivialize the Crucifixion by comparing it with the so-called Holocaust and the alleged "sufferings" of the legendary Anne Frank. Should one experience more sorrow while contemplating the very real agonies of the Son of God, or while listening to regurgitations of the hyped-up anti-German propaganda of Eleanor Roosevelt and her cabal? Some "skeptics" you are.)

(PPPS Dear Aaron: Enjoy your prostrate while you can keep it. It'll serve you very poorly in hell.)

bleedingisaac said...

You know, I think you are onto something here, Alleee. I think there is a Christian sex industry that is going untapped.

Christians have a subculture for everything. There are Christian cartoons, Christian music, Christian television stations, and even Christian motorcycle gangs. But I don't know of anyone who has gotten into the Christian Porn industry!

Seriously, in our movies, we could start out at a wedding chapel. The couple would be very young (you tend to marry young when you aren't having sex and don't diddle yourself). We go from there to the honeymoon suite. The couple has prayer together at the side of the bed. Music starts [What would Christian porn music sound like? I think we could keep the Wah uh, Wah uh sounds but we could add a pipe organ.]. The husband leaves the room and his new wife undresses (under the sheets, of course). The husband walks in with boxers on. He dives quickly under the sheets with his wife. There are three seconds of flurry under the cover (Come on, twenty years without sex or masturbation, what do you expect?), and they roll off of each other and pray again. It would take a lot of these to fill a tape, but who could resist?

I feel bad that you are taunting Maureen about the dildo, though. Seriously, it's not her fault. The sex industry has not caught up with her desires. The problem is that vibrators are all shaped like penises. This would certainly offend her religious sensibilities. In my new niche market, my vibrators will be little icons of the pope. Have you seen that hat! I think I could rival "the rabbit" with that thing. The old pope trembled so much, his version would be extremely life-like.

Maureen, I'm going to need some investors. Can you get me in touch with your church? I was thinking maybe the youth group could do a car wash or bake sale. We could call our fundraisers "Porn for Piety."

Seriously, call me.

Hellbound Alleee said...

Bleeding Isaac and Maureen :

Why yes, there is such an option:

http://www.divine-interventions.com Divine Interventions!
There's God's Immaculate Rod, the Diving Nun, the Virgin Mary, http://www.divine-interventions.com/jackhammer.html. Jesus , Baby Jesus, Moses, the Devil, and so on.

No longer is Catholic sex play done with dangerous wooden crosses or inferior light-up plastic characters (those Catholics lost all sense of artistic taste since the mid-1800's and now all they can do is schlock)! Now they have silicone.

PS: The pope is a piece of fallible human shit. And he's a total idiot, Maureen. And you esteem him. Which makes you an idiot. But since you're insane, I forgive you, you little zombie slut. I can almost smell the dried blood and incense. Phew!

Bliggety Blast Circle said...

OK, now that I have read a few of Maureen's comments....there is no way she is for real. No one could be that pious and and have no self-awareness at all. I just can't believe it. I'd put her on the same level as the Hashishan dude. She spouting off for attention. I am trying to make myself believe all this, so please don't burst my bubble.

Hellbound Alleee said...

Well, you have a point, Europe-bound. It's not very often that you get such articulateness from a Christian.

She really is clever and smart! But many insane people are extremely bright individuals.

Just remember: she is here for our entertainment purposes only. Do not argue against her cartoon world logically. On the other hand, I am here to entertain her. She asks for it, I try to give her twice as much entertainment as she asks. She wants me to blaspheme the holy ghost, I tell her he is a big fat child rapist. It's just that easy! She is definitely getting a lot of attention, but that's not a bad thing. Remember:

the more time she spends in here telling me I'm a perverted slut and that Aaron's prosTRATE (sic) is going to hell, the less time she has to borrow the innocent passers-by on her street corner. The one with her shopping-cart full of garbage bags and a torn little raggedy-ann doll she calls "Pope Benedict."

Aaron Kinney said...

Maureen,

I sure will enjoy it! And I want to point out something to you:

A God that makes excess orgasms simultaneously 1) a sin, and 2) necessary for healthy living, is the epitome of evil.

Maureen, your sick twisted God, by necessity, is way more evil than Satan. God created evil.Isaiah 45:7 Lamentations 3:38

But if you knew anything about reliaty Maureen, you would know that there is no afterlife, just like there is no beforelife.

Kinda funny to see you speaking so harshly against sex when your Catholic belief system is falling to pieces over sex scandals. How many bankruptcies now? The Dioceses are falling like dominoes!

One question: Would you still leave your children unsupervised with a Catholic Priest in wake of what your faith tends to do to the minds of those that dedicate their lives to the service of it? And think of all the consentual sex that occurs between the adults... the nuns, the priests. My God! It must be straight up Grecian in those Cathedrals!

All of us sexually healthy sinners will continue to enjoy life until the day we no longer exist. You only got one life to live Maureen. Sucks for you that you arent living it!

Aaron Kinney said...

Maureen said:

..never do I go and degrade myself in the way you seem to cherish.

Then she said this:

I turn the onset of orgasm into a sorrowful lament on the sufferings of our dear Saviour

LOL! Guilt tripping herself out of an orgasm. Thats not degrading! :P{

maureen said...

Dear Dimwits,

I'm sorry to ruin your party, but:

I'm not a joke,

and

You're all going to face eternal judgement, one way or the other.

The good news is that by bearing the cross of our saviour, Lord Jesus, we can be redeemed and ushered into the gates of heaven. Should I care about your fates? Maybe. Do I? Not at all. You're all smart enough, with your ape-evolved neurons and your happy postmodern epistemologies, to have made an investigation of the fides et ratio foundations of the Christian system, which has captivated the mind of every honest inquisitor -- and your rejection thereof only serves to demonstrate your willful, sinful disregard for your salvation. So be it. As I said, I'll be happier in heaven standing apart from your belial-begotten stench.

The Catholic Church is facing one of the most painful periods of persecution in its history -- and I for one am going to stand up and DEFEND my faith. You can weasel your way out of it by calling me a joke, or a pervert, or a fool -- but your entire existence is a mockery of the purpose God intended you for, your emotions and passions are merely the perversions of apes and demons, and the wisdom you profess is merely the folly of the Devil. I wish I could just wish you away -- or rather, I wish the temporal arm of the Holy Inquistion was operational, to deal with you the only effective known way -- but be these catastrophes as they may, I will wage war against heresy and perversion with all the arms of rhetoric and and the armor of faith.

Christendom is under assault from the Asiatic hordes of Islam, and it faces decay from the corruptions of our pseudo-intellectuals. I apply the wisdom of Aquinas, the genius of Augustine, and piety of Theresa to this crusade. You are defeated where you stand.

Angels and ministers of the Lord, avant!

Bliggety Blast Circle said...

Aaron said: But if you knew anything about reality Maureen, you would know that there is no afterlife, just like there is no beforelife.

That's not true. The souls of babies come from The Guff, e treasure chest full of souls. It was almost empty at one point, but Demi Moore fixed that all up by letting a mentally handicapped kid get the death penalty. It's True! I saw it on T.V.!

Bliggety Blast Circle said...

I wish the temporal arm of the Holy Inquistion was operational

But orgasms are sin? How about wishing ill will on your neighbors? That one get deleted? I missed the memo, I'll have to write the Grand Inquisitor for an update.

Hellbound Alleee said...

Guys, guys, she denies the suffering of the holocaust, she wishes we were tortured here and in hell forever, and she masturbates to Popes. What does that tell you?

Obviously she's either a brilliant hoaxer or completely and utterly, droolingly insane.

Maureen, you can come clean now. You're obviously a dirty atheist just like the rest of us. Either that, or you derive some great pleasure out of hanging out with us here.

If you are really who you say you are, what are you going to tell your priest about what you've been doing, hanging around with us dirty scum stinking heathens? You're thrilled, aren't you, crazy lady? You're getting so much pleasure out of this, it's building up inside you.

What are you wearing? You are a little vixen, aren't you?

maureen said...

Alleee & co., you insist on procaiming the Lord God evil and Christianity a hoax -- so why don't I turn the tables on you?

I believe that the moral law was founded by God alone, for His own inscrutable purposes. He is the definition of good; and whosoever trespasses against His will is evil. Quite simple, really. But if you don't believe in God, what conceivable foundation is there for ny moral system? Prove that you believe in atheism by mutilating your neighbours and raping your family. If you can't do this, then you are lying about your faith.

I know that you are the hoaxer, Alleee, though not a brilliant one. You are halfway to an utterly debauched existence; but your hesitant steps indicate that there is still some growling knowledge in your wee skull that God exists and that he stands ready to consign you the gaping maw of hell.

If you will not follow God than you will follow the Devil -- there are no other choices. Muslims (like those charmers in London) are worshippers and idolators of Allah and Mahomet, two of the foulest cacodemons to ever step foot out of riotous hell into the God-voided sands of Arabia. You worship your mini-Satans by the fistful -- your vile Voltaire, your gangrenous Godwin, your diseased Darwin. You're all cut from the same cloth, and one Hellbound Alleee is equal to one Osama bin Laden, or one Saddam Hussein; one Hindoo huckster, or one Protestant prostitute. Without the Lord and His holy bride, the Roman Catholic Church, we are utterly worthless.

Do you have any arguments against me, or just your perverted fantasies about me? I can scarcely be considered a vixen. I've been described as "matronly," and I was born well before the eucatastrophe that was Vatican II. Currently, I'm wearing a plaid wool skirt, a white frilly blouse, and some slippers that I bought at Payless. I don't see why you should care.

I have spoken to my priest about your website, and he was just as concerned as I was. He's given me a few pointers on apologetics -- it's easier than you might think.

In Christ,
Maureen.

Hellbound Alleee said...

Simple. There is no moral foundation with a god. What possible reason would anyone have of wanting to be moral when the Christian God exists? Prove you're a Catholic and saved by going out and murdering people, and then repent like the coward you are.

If you resist murder for the only reason that God will damn you for it, you are truly more depraved than anyone. Think about it, Maureen. Why do good things? God is not the answer, Maureen. There are many reasons to do good. I prove I am an atheist every day by living a moral life. Your immorality proves you are a True Christian.

Fuck your apologetics. I have an answer for every one of your feeble attempts, Maureen. It's called Strong Atheism. http://www.strongatheism.net .

Anyway, I'm tired of you. Your descriptions of the character "Maureen" are blatantly stereotypical . You can do better than that, fraud.

Your time here is over. all you can do is spout your depravity. There are many other more interesting christians out there to abuse, and I'm sure they're in line. Good Bye, crazy lady.

Bliggety Blast Circle said...

As far as things go, since I started reading here, you owe a FEW people apologies. Not just for the nonsensical ramblings with far too many adjectives, but the fact that you have yet to say anything intelligible. I compared you to that Hashishan wingnut in all seriousness. You don't seem to grasp the fact that we(or I, if you like) do not attack your specific beliefs. Your beliefs are just as rediculous as the space cadet, hashishan and Tom Cruise. I swear you must spend half your time at dictionary.com looking for synonyms so you don't run out of descriptive words for athiests. Your understanding of other religions is uninformed and self-serving. And don't forget that you lump protestants in with athiests and all other beliefs. To top all that off, you don't know the difference between "then" and "than, one of my pet peeves(butchering of syntax). Next you'll use the word "definately".

Hellbound Alleee said...

We`ve been bamboozled, but it`s been a fun ride. Perhaps "maureen" can come join us again with her alliterations that she learned from me, back when she was the Hashish Princess. Until then, she can pack up the "wool skirt, frilly blouse, and Payless slippers" and don a pair of leather chaps, leather hat, boots and a mustache and pretend to be a gay leather guy.

"Maureen," your drag is tired. You could have tried to be more realistic, but you had to throw in that church lady costime. Now I know you are just acting. Why don't you tell us who you really are, or, at the very least, try a new one?

Bliggety Blast Circle said...

Alleee, did you see the "I quit" post from Maureen? What happened to it? There isn't even a "post deleted by" entry....weird.

Hellbound Alleee said...

Oh, yes. I deleted it. That's because I said Maureen was done and I meant it. I'm tired of it, as I said before. She can come back as a new character, but Maureen is over.

Hellbound Alleee said...

Don't forget: she left us her email addy:

m_mchugh16@hotmail.com

Aaron Kinney said...

Hey I just realized, you got alot of comments on this blog entry. SEX SELLS!

boywonder said...

Wow Hellbound! It looks like you really get into the whole role playing thing when it comes to sex! It's quite a turn on to a horny (alas, happily married) atheist like myself. I believe Maureen was being serious, but then it's not that hard to fool me. It made me question why Jesus cares that much about masturbating (let alone all sex). And it is unfortunate many christians like her are looking forward to spending eternity listening to the screams of unbelievers down below. How can anyone think that is heaven, let alone desire it? That is demented desire for revenge and retribution for what? Someone saying you're crazy for believing in god? Talk about insecurity. It must take a twisted, feeble, rotten, perverted, confused, sadistic, mind (since you are so fond of superfluous words) to think that way.

Cor'a said...

Ms. Alleee,
Why do you think that the Lord has something against humans enjoying sex if they are married? Sex between a husband and wife was originally made to be an intimate, two person worship event and for the procreation of life. As for masturbation and not getting prostate cancer, what do you think wet dreams exist?!

Cor'a said...

Ms. Alleee,
*...exist for?!* ...They were not designed to cause embarassment. Skewed human perspective has left us to wallow in unmerited prudishness.

Hellbound Alleee said...

Christianity promotes shame, plain and simple. Shame for being human and low in the "eyes" of God. Or "the Lord," as you so quaintly put it.

The "scripture" also promotes the hatred of homosexuality. It promotes the killing of homosexuals as well as the killing of adulteresses. It doesn't promote the enjoyment of sex between husbands and wives, Maureen. It promotes men having as many wives and, of course, as many children as possible. Not the enjoyment of sex. The catholic church outlaws the use of contraceptives and takes away the rights of a woman to her own reproduction. That's as anti-sex as it gets. It outlawed the use of sex toys as a frightening and pagan act. It denies the existence of the female orgasm.

Do you know that women have orgasms, Maureen? It's true. And orgasm comes from clitoral stimulation, which is pretty damned tricky through penis insertion. Christianity pro-sex? The Hindus leave you in the dirt, Maureen.

If christianity was pro-sex, it would also be pro moral autonomy for women.

No more posts from you, Maureen. I'm being nice.