Monday, April 03, 2006

Keep Away From Children

You've been there. Someone holds up their adorable, darling child and says, gently, "Here is a reason to believe in God."

I think I've seen the same argument with porno and beer.

Rather than being a moment where we all sit down and forget our differences, and bask in the glow of a soft and innocent, lovely child, I see it as more christian bullying. It's a challenge. Dare you make any disparaging comment, like "actually, that's a reason to believe in sex?" If you say anything other than "congratulations, what a cute baby," you're a bastard.

The Alleee way of dealing with this is to hold up a similar child, only one from Vietnam whose mother was exposed to Agent Orange. "Is this a reason to believe in God, too?"

But now that I think of it, it is a reason. God hates Babies. Despises them. Is there even one baby besides the Christ Child that isn't killed or threatened or eaten? Seriously, someone find me one. The god of the bible simply has a taste for them. I woyuld have to say to the proud father: "Don't hold that up! You'll give Him ideas!" Seriously. Don't overfeed the tyke. Just look at the bible! Cutting babies in half. Slaughtering firstborns is evil for the king, yes. But when God does it, it's ok. Parents are forced to eat their own children for thought crimes, but when kids do wrong, they either get eaten by various animals, or killed by their parents. Why can't the kids eat their pets, at least? Parents are always making bad deals with god, and as a result, the children are killed. If you're looking at the bible for childraising hints--and I know you crazy monkeys are--you'll find that if you manage to carry a pregnancy without having a righteous Israelite sword rip through your belly, the only advice for Johnny is beat him, preferably with a rod, but mostly pelt him with stones.

I would have to advise that proud father to take out a restraining order on Jehovah, to keep him away from his Reason-To-Believe. Because, Jesus loves the little children--roasted, with a nice mustard sauce.

Thanks for listening.

3 comments:

Steve said...

I would ask the parents why their baby is a reason to believe in a god, then explain how the baby was created by them, not their god. I would start with how semen was created in the man's testicles and how the man ejaculated the semen into the woman's vagina. I would mention that semen contains sperm and that the heads of sperm contain the material that's needed to make a baby. I would continue to explain how sperm fertilizes a woman's eggs and how this resulted in the baby that they have shoved in my face. When all is said and done, I would ask them again how the squirming, crying, biological mass in my face is any evidence of a supernatural fairy king.

But that's just me.

breakerslion said...

I would say, "By that logic, god is somehow involved every time a squirrel is born. That goes for every other living creature too, right down to single-cell organisms and possibly viri. Since the reproductive process is well understood, and billions of living things are procreating every instant, does god get involved directly, or is it somehow godomatic? If your little bundle of joy turns out to be the next Charlie Manson, is that still a reason to believe in god, or just a reason to believe in birth control?"

Actually, my response these days would probably be shorter, like "All I see is a reason to believe in diapers."

girlatheist said...

Nothing firmed up my atheism quicker than being a nurse in the NICU. I've seen more effed up messes than you can imagine. What kind of "god" would do this to children? "god" had nothing to do with it. They are just a bunch of accidents of nature that we spend shitloads of money trying to save.

Don't get me wrong, I love my job. There are plenty of success stories and happy endings to make it all worthwhile. "God" just didn't have anything to do with it.