Wednesday, April 26, 2006

You're Taking It Out of Context!

Dear Internet Diary--listeners,

Do you have a blog? Does anyone read it? How about we do a little experiment, ok? Post a passage from the Jewish/Christian bible, preferably something completely outrageous, with lots of blood and cruelty. That should be easy; there's plenty to choose from. Just Deuteronomy alone could be your sole source for months, what with all its stoning of pagans and lippy pre-teens, and desperate mothers eating their newborns.

Just post it. Don't comment.

Place in a sunny window for awhile, and before you can say "moral realism," you'll get your results, peeking their bitter little sprouts towards the sun:

You're taking it out of context!

Such a succinct accusation. As brief as a Scientologist pointing a finger and asking, "What are your crimes?" (Tone 40.) That's it, you're defeated. And I'm totally jealous!

What about ME?!?

What if I want to commit atrocities; what if I want to encourage moral outrage, and justify it? Where do I go? Where's my re-interpretable, absolute scripture? Where's my "you're taking it out of context?"

Our only recourse, my filthy heathen friends, is to emulate Christian principles and practices by borrowing their concept.
  • If you're caught illegally wiretapping? "You're taking it out of context."
  • Discovered in bed with the girlfriend of an ex-boxer? "Out of context!"
  • Confronted by Jesus Christ's glowing, shining, glorious caucasian face on Judgement Day, and he reminds you that you're a poop-eating, disgusting, syphallitic atheist, BOUND for the Lake of Fire? "But Lord," you should say, "You're taking it out of context!"

If anyone understands that phrase, it would have to be the lord.
Judging from the astounding number of times I've witnessed the use of that phrase by the faithful, I think it was written on a sign and hung above his head on the cross. Either that, or "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani" actually means "You're taking it out of context!"

Thanks for listening.

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